Happy Accidents

Did your parents want you?
Did they love you from the start?

Mine didn't.

When I was about 5 my mother forgot to feed me, now it may have been due to her mental illness, but rumors of my accidental birth started to reach me at that point. I beat three forms of birth control and a vasectomy by a few days. My father missed the birth he was out having a good time, the doctor missed the birth, and I've often wondered if my mother didn't need to be there would she have shown up at all? Many was the time she forgot to pick me up, she's always forgotten my name but I'm quite used to 'thing-it-you'. I know she loves me, she just didn't want me. It took them three weeks to name me, you'd think with all that time they could have come up with something original, but no. I remind her of my birthday now, she's forgotten it a few times. My father I don't tell, I hardly see him, I practically dropped out of my life when I was eleven or so. I don't mind being an accident, they kept me so they must have loved me once, right?
No wonder I focus on logic and manipulation, emotions are beyond my reach.

Monopoly

It's raining again. I know I should be working, but I find myself drawn back to the games.
When I was a child I started collecting monopoly sets. Whenever a new type was released I'd snatch it up as quick as my little hands could reach it. I don't know why I collected them. When I was a child I used to play with my siblings, my brother had to win back then. Then when he left, I'd only play with my sister, but the second she'd notice she was loosing she would stop playing. So I stopped playing, I have every type of monopoly set and they've never been used, they just sit there as a painful reminder of my youth. I stopped being competitive after that, what's the point of winning all the time if no one will play against you?

Criminal Origins

I was honing up on Genge's Forensic Casebook today. I think I have almost every book on real crime ever written. I've always been facinated with crime and murder, since before I lost all my memories, it was the one facination I was able to carry into adulthood. Perhaps that's why I cling to it, always eager to learn more, the master of getting inside others heads. It must remind me of when I was happy. I can't remember any of my childhood, but I must have been happy, and studying crime allows me to reflect on that...
Why couldn't I have been normal?

Life

For as long as I can remember i have been trying to understand the purpose of life. Now I know life has no real purpose. It is a game. I shall strive to make a difference in the world, but it's moments like these that I always end up turning to Nietzsche.

You Are Internal - Realist - Empowered

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a realist when it comes to luck. You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random. You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you... But you do your best to try to make your own luck. You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order. You realize that working the system does get you further. You know who to defer to and who to control. When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly.

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Brain Pattern

Your Brain's Pattern

Structured and organized, you have a knack for thinking clearly.You are very logical - and you don't let your thoughts get polluted with emotions.And while your thoughts are pretty serious, they're anything from boring.It's minds like yours that have built the great cities of the world!

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

This test needs a lot more thought put into it.

The Novel

The novel is haunting me, tempting me to cross over to the darkside, I know it's what the readers want, but I can't.
Damn my morals, damn them to hell.
No one understands, how can they, I've cut myself off from the world. In doing so I may have sacrificed my sanity, maybe that's why the book is going so well. If sanity returns will my writting suffer?