Meaningless Unmitigated Bleat.

I hate wasted days, but they have befallen me.
I am not acquiring any knowledge and I feel I am letting myself down. Traces of the sickness still remain reminding me to take it easy or pay the consequences. I don't feel like reading any casefiles, I've even avoided my serial killer novels, if I'm not in the mood I wont remember it and will no doubt have to reread it later. I find myself painting and watching worn out DVD's.

I hate being unproductive and yet I can't bring myself to do something about it. Idleness tires me, I want to be achieving some purpose, but alas there are other things to consider.

I have resorted to letting my imagination run wild with thoughts of adventure, I may be stuck here but my mind can be free.

I find myself outside, it's warm, night but still warm. I just stare at the water. What thoughts are going through my head? I'm not sure, they are part of the subconscious now.

The water is of the most beautiful blue. If I let myself I could easily fall deep into it's receding depths and be free. To float down into oblivion, I wonder what it would be like.

The longer I watch the more intoxicated I become, drunk on the beauty of nature. The colors of the water change, it rises up out of the pool like a tidal wave and it holds that position above my head as I look on in awe and amazement. Colors shoot through it, so many that half of them have not even been named yet and the whole sky is glowing from their radiance.

I step back, it's all in my head, I have a great imagination and it's trying to inspire me, nothing more. The water goes back down into the pool, the sky returns to it's original hue and it is as it was, as if nothing had ever happened. I sit back down by the water and stare. Not long after the water begins to turn red, the red of blood, then I see him. So faint at first that I swear it is surely my imagination, but he comes into focus and there he is drowning in my pool beckoning for me to help him. I want to reach out, to save him, but I know he isn't really there, he can't be. The one soul I could ever love is drowning before me and I can't tell if it's real. Do I save him and risk the chance of drowning or do I let him die and risk the possibility of loosing my one chance of happiness.

The dichotomy, like many in life there remains no easy out. They say drowning is a painless death, but for some reason I fear drowning the most, I've always feared it, I've nearly drowned so many times that it terrifies me, I know it will get me in the end. A bullet to the head would be better, would be painless. So looking at this from a logical perspective to get the one soul I desire more than life itself I would have to be willing to give up everything and face my greatest fear. I am willing, but if I gave up my life I wouldn't get him.

I guess it wouldn't matter as long as I got to save him, the one who holds the other half of my soul.

See where idleness gets me, writing meaningless unmitigated bleat.

Erotic Thriller

You've made your own rules in life - and sometimes that catches up with you. Winding a web of deceit comes naturally, and no one really knows the true you. Your best movie matches: Swimming Pool, Unfaithful, The Crush

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

I always figured I was a lighthearted comedy, oh well.

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

mmm chocolate. Now I'm hungry damn it.

They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore

Today was a tragic day, as far as any day goes. For today I said goodbye to my refrigerator, they don't make them like that anymore, it has been with me for years, practically my whole life and today I had to tell it I was leaving it for a younger model. You may think me foolish, but I loved my fridge, it held for me the essentials of life, food, and I value that. I didn't want to replace it, I'm sure it would be good for another 20 years, but those who share this spacious dwelling with me insisted. I didn't go with them when they bought it, I could not betray my old faithful fridge, I could not let it see that I was conspiring against it, and housemates brought back a giant. The new fridge towered above my old little companion, it was huge, one of the cupboards had to be removed so we could fit it in the kitchen, I'll bet my old fridge felt so small and insignificant, a tiny David compared to this new Goliath. Now my old little fridge is almost bare, only my chocolate supply remains to give him purpose. The light no longer works, but I can feel my way, it was always a surprise, taking something out, you'd never know what you'd get for dinner, the seal had slightly broken, but any bugs that crawled in soon died from the cold. The tray underneath had never been emptied, I only found out about its existence yesterday. There were mice corpses stuck to back of it, most of them a little singed, but hey that was a warning for other mice. It was originally white, but over the years I'd drawn on it, spilt food and beverages on it, heck I'd even painted a frieze on it at one point. And now I stand before it, I can feel its pain; we both know what fate is waiting for it. It was with heavy head I bent and grasped my chocolate bar, making the fridge obsolete, it was clean, cleaner than it had been it a long time, or maybe just the fact that it was empty gave it that effect. I closed the door and looked at the brand of the fridge, it was a Leonard, for as long as I live I will never forget that name, the name of my fridge, although I'd always called him Leo, I'd not forget.
The new fridge is big and holds so much more, but where is the familiar, where is the comfort, I've found a good home for Leo, one where he can run for another twenty years in peace, without fear of rejection, And I'm pretty sure that long after this new fridge is busted and sent to the tip, my Leo will still be going strong, that is my comfort. No, they don't make them quite as good as Leo anymore.

Name that tune

The stillness of your eyes
convinces me that I,
I don't know a thing


I don't know what it is about this song, but it sticks in my head and haunts my dreams.

Went out and got drunk last night.

My mate Brian showed up on my doorstep at 11pm last night (must invest in a blood-craving pitbull). He dragged me to his local club. Helped me finish off the last of my smokes and money.
I'm still sick from last week, throat kills, and it's hard to breath whilst choking to death. Alcohol fixed problem. Ciggerettes brought problem back... Lot of pain.

Is it too much to ask to just be healthy. You know it's bad when you crave a never ending box of tissues.

Your Christmas Costume Should Be

Sexy Elf

What Should You Be for Christmas?

My brother is on his way over...



Wish me sanity.