Faith

They prayed for me today, the bible group. I don't go, but my friend tells them of my troubles and she tells me they pray for me. I think faith is a wonderful thing, it must be great to know there is some great powerful being out there, but alas I lost my faith.
When I was a child I would drink the wine, eat the bread and confess my sins. My sins are now far greater and I carry their weight myself. If I can't forgive myself what good is gods forgiveness?
My reasons are my own, be tolerant please.
When I was a child I was told that god created everything and if something happened it was gods will, this is a rather Calvinist approach and it's hard to accept when you see children dying. If god controls everything what of choice, is it a myth? I was also told suicidals go to hell, so a few of my old friends are riving in agony right now. Most everyone I went to school with is dead now, it's quite strange I think, they were all so young. Does god punish the wicked, I was told he does. I now refuse to believe this, man punishes man everything else is an accident or a tragedy. I couldn't believe that, with all the misfortunes that keep befalling me, that would suggest I'd deserved them, I know I don't, not to that extent and I could not blame god for them either. It's easier to see them as accidents. I don't believe that god has any control over any of us, I see free will, what we do we choose to do and we may be judged by our acts later.
I used to sing in the church choir, now I play the Doug Anthony Allstars to Christians.
I love faith, I've lost faith, how do I get it back?
How can I believe in something that does nothing?
I know the bible cover to cover, and the Koran, both good books, neither one was written by spiritual being, they were all written by man, and it is in mans nature to be corrupt whether he wish it or not.
I wonder, can god save you from yourself?
I respect people who pray, I admire them, at times I even envy them, but I will not be one of them again.