The Irony of it all

My main light bulb blew today. I remember changing it before, hell, I had to replace the whole fitting last time, the damn thing just fell off the ceiling. I don't think I get enough use out of them, I really must record how long they last one day. I changed it, didn't have much choice I'm not a big fan of the dark. It's so bright in there now that I've moved most of my belongings to another room. The irony.

I was asked what my user name means so I'll explain it in here for future reference.
I made it up using shadow of a doubt. Jokes are good, but a shadow of a joke is like a joke without the punchline, you know a joke should be there, but all you get is it's shadow - Another term for disapointment I suppose.

I went to a pool party today. It rained... Figures. I love pizza, but with all these social gatherings I'm expected to go to it's becoming a bit much. I'm expected to host the next one. I don't consider myself a sociable person, sure I put out a good feed and I make everyone comfortable and laugh, but I need time alone to be me, they don't understand that.
Damn Ed Gein painting is still drying, my patience is thinning. Must get back to beefing up the novel.

Faith

They prayed for me today, the bible group. I don't go, but my friend tells them of my troubles and she tells me they pray for me. I think faith is a wonderful thing, it must be great to know there is some great powerful being out there, but alas I lost my faith.
When I was a child I would drink the wine, eat the bread and confess my sins. My sins are now far greater and I carry their weight myself. If I can't forgive myself what good is gods forgiveness?
My reasons are my own, be tolerant please.
When I was a child I was told that god created everything and if something happened it was gods will, this is a rather Calvinist approach and it's hard to accept when you see children dying. If god controls everything what of choice, is it a myth? I was also told suicidals go to hell, so a few of my old friends are riving in agony right now. Most everyone I went to school with is dead now, it's quite strange I think, they were all so young. Does god punish the wicked, I was told he does. I now refuse to believe this, man punishes man everything else is an accident or a tragedy. I couldn't believe that, with all the misfortunes that keep befalling me, that would suggest I'd deserved them, I know I don't, not to that extent and I could not blame god for them either. It's easier to see them as accidents. I don't believe that god has any control over any of us, I see free will, what we do we choose to do and we may be judged by our acts later.
I used to sing in the church choir, now I play the Doug Anthony Allstars to Christians.
I love faith, I've lost faith, how do I get it back?
How can I believe in something that does nothing?
I know the bible cover to cover, and the Koran, both good books, neither one was written by spiritual being, they were all written by man, and it is in mans nature to be corrupt whether he wish it or not.
I wonder, can god save you from yourself?
I respect people who pray, I admire them, at times I even envy them, but I will not be one of them again.

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

it's like the crayon knows me

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

A Day's Reflection

I was up all night painting a portrait of Ed Gein. If I ever get it finished it will be good to give as a birthday present, I don't know why but my morbid paintings are in demand. It was a beautiful day today, at least 32 degrees C, I contemplated going to Coogee Beach, I've not seen the sea in the longest time, I should go soon before the tourists move in for the summer. I feel quite creative lately, I spent the afternoon lying down staring up at trees, marveling in natures beauty. I'd like to spend tonight painting, but I really should get back to the paperwork piling up.
I gave a talk on serial killers today, how many types there are, possible motives, and what patterns they follow, I really need to get a nice hobby, I know too much about them for it to be healthy. It does keep the audience captivated though, no one left, I think outsiders may have snuck in. The knowledge I told will probably never help them (unless they become a serial killer), but I'm sure they'll remember it. I do enjoy lecturing on crime, my friends think I would have made a great psychopathic killer, but I keep telling them my morals would get in the way.

Constructive Criticism

Post temporarily removed for the protection of the author

Happy Halloween

I've never celebrated Halloween, sure I'll throw a party and dress up like a tool, but when I was a child and the other neighborhood kids trick-or-treated I was never allowed to. My parents wouldn't let me, I'm not sure why, the streets were a lot safer then than they are now. So I've never got to go, it doesn't really matter, but I would like to have known what it was like. It wasn't even the chocolates that interested me, it was the atmosphere, it's also a good way to meet the neighbors.
All those adorable little monsters will be running round the streets tonight, what fun it will be for them... I think I'll lock the gates and turn the doorbell off :P

Have a good Halloween everyone.

I like to watch

I have become a watcher, choosing to view people from afar, rather than to converse with them. I did not set out this way, but alas, it is now the way I am. I do not know when it began, perhaps it came from my childhood, fishing with my father, spending "Quality" time together, wherein I would either sleep, eat or watch the land through his binoculars, anything but fish. I carry binoculars with me now, almost anywhere I go, they're permanently packed and waiting by the door. I observe humans sub-consciously now, everywhere I amble. The beach is the most revealing, where they come in swarms and you can observe them quite freely. It is the mating habit of the human that fascinates me most of all,1 for even from a distance, I see them for what they are, their indifferences, their imperfections, their vulgarities, and yet they give themselves to each other so openly and so freely, without any concerns for the diseases they might be acquiring. Humans are beautiful creatures, even from a distance their majesty can be seen; unfortunately their good points never seem to outweigh the bad. I've often pondered why I watch, and I think I now know the answer, or a few of them anyway. If I go down and join them, I know there will be those above, looking down at me, judging me, evaluating my life's purpose.2 this however, seems rather insignificant when I look upon the other reason. Perhaps I am afraid, afraid to leave the sanctuary that is my isolation, afraid to stand beside these creatures only to have them knock me to my knees. Occasionally I'll go down and converse with these people, but never long enough to become emotionally attached. I don't mind watching, it fits in quite well with painting. I'm not the only watcher, I've seen others, on the odd occasion we might swap words, but like me, they'd rather watch then speak. I wonder do any of them feel the way I do? Do they question their lives or are they content to not know the answers. So I sit, I wait and I watch, remembering with a smile, the quote from the old Irish beer commercials, "I like to watch," I loved that commercial.

1. Contrary to popular belief, I do not watch the mating habits of other people.
2. I have none.

Just a Thought

Conscious thought is the cause of all misery. A human being is a transport with a brain and that's all we'll ever be. If we were without thought we would never be sad, no matter how dismal our lives, we wouldn't know, so technically, the dimmer you are, the happier. I used to be happy, but my world was a lot smaller then, whereas, now I'm smarter, I'm more knowledgeable in the ways of the world, and I'm more depressed than before. Even as I write this, my thoughts are leading me elsewhere and I find it hard to put pen to paper. Thoughts are the backbone of our survival and yet I feel cursed by them. I know why, because thoughts without action are pointless, I need to learn to follow through. I often hear people say "I should have said that," "I should have done that" and "why didn't I think of that at the time?" and I always tell them, "why are you thinking of this now, you cant change the past, it's pointless." In the Bible, Ecclesiastics states that life is meaningless, if this is true, why do we need thought, and if life is meaningless, then surely what we do in life is meaningless, so therefore worshiping any god, real or false, in any way, would be a complete waste of time. I wonder if priests have taken this into consideration. That is a blatant example of where thoughts will get you; disproving the beliefs of millions of people over hundreds of years, and I guarantee you that they do not want to know the truth. Every five seconds I stop writing, my mind goes off on a tangent and I'm lost in thought. Thoughts tell us what to do, we act upon it, then our thoughts make us regret it, there's no escape. Even while asleep our thoughts are attacking us, causing us to dream, so when we wake, we're more tired then when we went to bed. "God giveth and God taketh away" why giveth in the first place if you're going to be an Indian giver? It could have kept most of my thoughts, god knows I don't need them, and then I wouldn't need to express my opinion, because I wouldn't have one. I'd write more, but I'm off to get lost in my thoughts once more.

A Simple Smile

We all get depressed, some of us more than others. I put myself in the rarely section, believe it or not I'm an optimist. I do try to look on the bright side sometimes it's very hard to see it, but it's there. What brings you back when you get stuck in that dark place? For me it's many things. A beautiful day, fresh bread, clean sheets, the smell of the ocean, the rain on my face, the wind through my hair, so many things. A lot of people suffer depression and I can understand that, sometimes it does feel that the weight of the world gets to heavy to support and even Atlas himself would pass the weight to someone else if he could. When I was a child I used to hear of his woe and wonder why didn't he just drop the world, what's the point? But now I know, I know that the world is too beautiful to just let go. For all the pain and the suffering there is also an unimaginable beauty that makes up for every bad thing that ever happened. The trees at the beginning of spring, the smell of wet paint on the canvas, the tears in your eyes, everything is beautiful. If you can't see the beauty, distance will show you, take a step back and view your life not as the main player but as someone watching from the sidelines. Yes you'll see sorrow, but you'll also see those small fleeting moments of joy and isn't it worth all that pain, all that suffering just to have those wonderful moments, wouldn't you do it all again. Life wasn't meant to be easy, it was meant to be precious, sacred, short, that's the only way you can value it. Something beautiful that you only get one shot at. I know of many ways to overcome my bouts of depression. There is one way that works for me every time even when I don't want it to and that way is a simple smile. Not from anyone mind you, it must be from some one I hold in high regard, someone I've looked up to at one point or another, only a few people I know of have this effect on me and I doubt they are even aware of it, but when they smile at me I can't help but smile back. I suppose it's not just a smile, it does have to be directed at me and me alone for it to work and sometimes I wish it didn't work at all, but it is nice to know that if I'm really depressed all I have to do is track down one of these people and I'll be holding up the world again. It's as easy as a simple smile.