Running against the wind

Siting in silence or running against the wind
If there is no noise, why can I hear everything?
I hear you breathing, I hear your hearbeat
I hear your sighs, I hear you sing
But who hears me in this deafening silence?
Who holds my hand and keeps me safe?
It's so cold here, I just want warmth
save me from myself and protect me in this place

I stand in the rain to hide my tears
I stand in the sunlight to stem my fears
I run away afraid of of facing me
I look in the mirror and sadly see me
Help me when I fall
Hold me when I cry
Love me while I'm here
Morn me when I die

Cut

Cut
Cut to the core
How much more
Must I endure
Stripped
And ripped
Ripped right appart
I wonder now
Do I even have a heart

The Sixteenth Dream

In a world not my own, visions come to me of home.
Of a place I've never known,
but still hold dear.

I see it in my head, and in all the books I've read.
The message clearly said:
It is near

Yet I find it has been tainted, by those whom I've aquainted
Even those that painted,
Painted in fear

Still I seek it out, and I do not have a doubt
That what it's all about
Is perfectly clear

It is a kingdom undescribed, though many have lied
Some have even died
Just to hear

All the music played, in those walls undecayed
However those that strayed
Disappear

Into darkness unrelenting, violent and tormenting
Agonising yet preventing
Them to reappear

To that world quite splended, to those they've offended
But they find it now defended,
By sword gun and spear.

What fools they were to flee, they now rot in misery
A vast barren sea,
With no pier

While others point and mock, of the fools trapped at the dock
Even though they'd flock
I'd shed a tear

That those now lost, oh how they were tossed
For such a little cost
I cannot jeer

Though this city great and grand, in all its elegance may stand
Those they repremand
Find it insincere

I think of this great city, oh so tall and pretty
But it's not a pity
It's not here

For all its great splendor, I would rather that they rendor
A people much more tender
That don't sneer

I dream about it distant, though quite reminiscent
I doubt that I have missed it
Though I peer

To something I cannot see, yet I think that it must be
Calling out for someone like me
To believe....

Point

Here I stand, petrified
To live as I should live
Thinking of the times I've nearly died
How much more must I give
The sun, it shines in on my face
It warms me to the core
Yet I cannot escape this place
My life has become a bore
Thinking of the joys I've known
All the thing's I've done
In this past year how I've grown
But here I am, still no one
When will my time run dry
And do I want to see
Will anyone even wonder why
Will they remember me.

Hold the Night.

Everytime I hold the night
I hold it in my heart
I dread the coming of the dawn
Why must a new day start?
Can't we stay like this forever?
Why can't I keep you here with me?
I close my eyes for just a moment
And somehow the sun has found me
I don't want you to go away
But every dawn you're gone
I want to stay with you forever
but I just can't seem to hold on
So I sit and torment myself
For letting you slip away
Stuck to bare the misery
Of facing another day

Try to be patient Christine

How can they not see
he means the world to me
Why must they interfere
and stop him being so near
How can they just not know
that this is not their show
Now I long for the day
when they will all just go away!

In dreams of Yesterday

Music playing everywhere
Flowers and dancing
Not a care
Magic and lights
Endless fun
Myrth dressed with mayhem
Smiles on everyone
A spring in my step
And a beat in my heart
A song on the breeze
An acting part
A glow on my face
That wouldn't fade away
A love unforgotten
In dreams of yesterday.

The Tomb

Here I sit in agony, a fool of my own creation
I've left myself unguarded and open to total damnation
Better it would have been if none had ever known my kiss
Better to not have gone, I'd not know what I miss
Here I stare at different stars, under a different sky
Dreams are fading into misery as they slowly die
My heart is heavy, my soul is lost, as I fear tomorrows break
Knowing that I could not, but how tempting my life it is to take
That which I once dreamed, is now fearfully all too real
I want to run from it in terror, to flee and not to feel
I know that I will crush him, but if I stay he will kill me
What horrors I've yet to face in order to be free
I know he loves me, and perhaps no other will
But all I have is pity for him, his kisses leave me ill
I'm dying inside, I can feel it, why can't he see I'm falling appart
Tying to hold on to sanity, a fool with an ice cold heart
I ponder life for others, had I never had been concieved
I wonder would they have been happier, perchance even relieved
His touch cuts me his words bring me to tears
As he hurts me in his grip, how can he be ignorant of my fears
I wonder will he kill himself if I walk away
I know it's not good to ponder, but this thought finds me every day
I'm scared of life, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of what I am
Afraid to face another day, I just don't know if I can
This tomb holds me now, I can no longer rome
Lost and alone in a dark abyss I once refered to as home

Mirror Magic

Shadows in the Mirror
A man in a mask
A monkey and a melody
Questions I can't ask
Enchanted by music
Mesmerized by song
The Sweet smell of roses
Black bow secures our bond
A Darkness ever calling
His voice always in my head
And a silly young singer
asleep on his bed

Broken Dreams

Last night I dreamed I broke your heart.
I don't know why I did it
I've broken many hearts before
But yours is somehow different
I don't know how I could let myself
Just up and walk away
Leaving you there in stunned silence
On such a beautiful day
Even now I can see your face
as the happiness flows from it
All I can do is ask my self
Why on earth would I do it?

Forgotten

Wind through my hair as I walk against the breeze
Warmth on my face from the rays of the sun
A tear in my eye from a memory forgotten
A voice in my head saying I'm the one
Thoughts and faces just out of reach
As I search my mind for a reason to care
All I hear is music, and that voice, always there

night

Darkness sits in the corner of my eye
Ever waiting for me to glance away
So it may take control of the sky
Life without you was lonely today
...sleep calls to me but I cannot reply
This is all the time we have now
I'll not destroy by saying goodbye
Soon, soon I'll fall flat upon the bed
And dream of things so horrid
I just can't get them out of my head
One day soon I'll see you smile again
you will wash the bad dreams away
Until then my friend I cannot wait
And once returned, I'll never stray.

Fly away free

Perhaps it's time to set you free
I clipped your wings so selfishly
Now I wonder was it wrong
That I alone should hear your song
Yours is a spirit I cannot tame
Was this all just a silly game
So into the darkness I must creep
Knowing your's was the heart I could not keep.

Nightmares of Neverland.

Boats in the darkness
Turn out the light
Flying against the wind
Not a soul in sight
Cold on your ears
Fairies bite your hands
Running from the fear
And nightmares of Neverland

Haunted by faces
Of dreams left behind
Memories forgotten
Trapped in my mind
Cries in the night
Walls painted red
A scream overpowering
Voices in my head
Claw marks on the door
Blood under the bed
A fear undiminished
In footsteps of the dead.

Wandered

I walked in the rain today
I froze in its ice cold claws
You couldn't see the tears
A wash amongst the moors
I felt them though
Warm water down my face
As I wandered darkened streets
Lost in this cold dark place
I feel cold and alone here
Trying to find my way home to you
It all seems so hard sometimes
But what else can I do.

Everything’s changed
Different and still the same
I can’t stop it
Yet I caused this pain
That look of love
Lies in your eyes no longer
That feeling of warmth
No longer strong dear
Tear stained eyes
Long since red
I don’t want to face it
It hurts my head
So powerful now
This assortment of fears
I can’t stop it now
This river of tears

Saviour

You can't save them all!
A term I hear alot these days
But I can't allow myself to let them fall
I know I cant help everyone
But if I can just help some
Maybe that will be enough
If perhaps I can set them free
Then maybe saving them will save me.

Smile for me

Fleeting moments, passing waves
Time goes by so fast in a daze
Things forgotten, things undone
Music unplayed, songs unsung
Oh to sit and stay a while
Just one chance to see you smile

Mine.

Hold my hand and I'll hold your gaze
Stare into me, put me in a daze
Know me better than I ever could
Protect me like I know you should
Love me till the end of time
Nothig else matters as long as you're mine

à bientôt

To go, to leave, to walk away
How the thought of it breaks my heart
So much has passed since we said hello
But I feel we are just at the start
Know that I'll miss you, everyone
From the breaking of the dawn
to the setting of the sun
Take comfort in knowing I will return
There's so much from you I've still to learn
Most of all I will miss you
But I can't bare to say goodbye
So instead I'll say à bientôt

If Only.

If it could be what I want it to be
Then it would be perfect
If they could see what I want them to see
Then it would be worth it
If I could do what they want of me
Then everything would just fit
If I had to be anything other than free
I know I'd never submit

Untitled.

Sing me into oblivion.
Play till the world fades away
Let me float among angels
Make nighttime of the day
Control the music with your song
Romance it with your mind
Fly with me among the clouds
We shall leave the world behind

Starved.

Starved and frozen, sleep deprived
Searching my mind for stories left untold
Violins play throughout the night
Shivering in fear, or is it the cold
Broken windchimes pave the ground
Tears in the sky, a pain in my head
The unknown ever beconing
For words that were never said.

It was Fate.

It was fate that found us, Not you and I
It was fate that made us fly
It was fate that brought happiness
But it is we that make us cry
It was fate that brought us back once more
And bound us stronger than we had been
And if we had noticed we were in fates path
I wonder, would you have stoped it if you had seen?

Done.

Water flows down the walls in this endless sea of life

A crystal bubble shatters on the ground

Rain as red as babies blood and a scream that pierces the soul

Silence afterward, darkness with no sound

Music gone, beauty gone, as abcent as the sun

Ripples in the waters surface, ripples in the chain

A broken body in the dirt, will never come to stand

What was done, was always done, and will be done again.

I held the world in my hands today
How could I let it slip away
I ignored all rhyme and reason
because I wanted you to stay
Did I hold you back, did I make you cry
...Is it all my fault. Just tell me why?

Distant and drifting
lost in my mind
Faces and places
Of dreams left behind

Music and magic
The sight and the sound
Waves overlaping
Tears on the ground

Eyes in the darkness
A song in my head
Memories forgotten
Things left unsaid

A face in the mirror
An image not my own
The quest for an answer
And the abscence of home

For my friend Erik who deleted himself today.

I lost another friend today
I understand why he went away
He went in too fast after I refused
He was weak and abused
I blame myself for his demise
I guess I am not worthy of his goodbyes.
Where ever you go, I'll miss you my friend
Unfortuanatly with every start there will always come an end

Today

Today there was no music,

Today there was no rain

Today I touched the world

And felt nothing but pain



Today I screamed inside

But silence was all that came out

Today I wanted noise

But couldn't even bring myself to shout



Today the world was beautiful

As beautiful as it could be

But no matter how I looked at it

I could see no place for me



Today I picked a wilting Rose

I shed a silent tear

Today I wonder what is wrong with me?

What is it that I fear?

Will and when?

Will you seek me out if I am hidden?

Will you carry me if I can't walk?

Will you sing for me when the world is silent?

Will you speak for me when i can't talk?

Will you love me till your dying day?

Will you wash all my fears away?

Will you move the skys so that I can see the stars?

Will you hold me in your tender embrace?

Will you trust me to never let you go?

Will you trust me to look upon your face?

Will you still be there when all others have gone?

When I am weak will you be strong?

Will you watch as the world slips away?

Will you show me that you've always cared?

Will you hurt me as only you could?

Will you hold my hand when I am scared?

When I am gone will you remember me?

When I am lost will I ever be free?

Tonight.

The world is shining again tonight and everything is clear
I'll happily let the darkness engulf me, because I know that you are here
The rain on my face is a blessing, The moonlight as bright as the sun
Every fear is washed away, a new life has begun
No more cries of sorrow, wipe away that tear
How could anyone be sad to know they hold such a heart so near.

Today I died inside.

Today I died inside

you cannot see it, you cannot know.

But watch closely, little things show

I wanted the world, but threw it all away

The things we can lose in the space of a day

I wish you couldn't see me, I wish that I was gone

But here I remain, we must all carry on

How could it ever come down to now

How could I be so blind, tell me how?

I want to run, to hide in the night

To lose myself entrapped in my fright

To never see you, never touch you, never dry your tears

Never remeber this pain, one of my biggest fears

And you, what of you?

Did you do this to me?

I let you hurt me, now I can never be free...

I wish I never knew this feeling in my heart

To be honest with you right now, it's tearing me appart

What I really want to know is; what is it they all see?

Cause try as I might, I can see nothing special about me.

A winter breeze or a summer rain
To me they feel the same.
Snow on your toes, rain drops on your nose
The world is beautiful again
Stars in the sky, grass on the ground
Songs carried by the sea
A sweet smell in the air, a rose in mid bloom
Yes, the world is beautiful to me

Once upon a Time

Today I saved a memory
As painful as it may be
I'll hold on to it forever
It's the memory of you and me
And I know it didn't matter
I know you never cared
But nevertheless it happened
It's a memory that we shared
One day I'll forget all this
It's only a matter of time
Still I'd like to remember
That once if only for a little while
Once upon a time you were mine.

Goodbyes

I woke today to see the sun
Why do you shine on me?
I rose today dispite the pain
How can I ever feel free?
Worlds collide and mysterfy
but in the end everything dies
I know this is the way its meant to be
But why are there no goodbyes?

post 231

The dark comes cold tonight
I watch it from my room
soon to be out there
Lost amongst the gloom
we will dance and we will sing
I'll smile at the world
but it wont mean anything
Its just another night
of endless celebration
and I am just another soul
reaching above my station.

The Oggin

I picture you upon the sea, the wind blowing through your hair
The sunlight streaming across your face, the smell of salt in the air
I imagine you standing alone because I know that I'm not there
But I'm saddened that you might be lonely, and that I cannot bare
How I wish i stood beside you, but I know life cant always be fair
So as I think of you across the seas, just remember I still care.

post 229

Sometimes I hate you
but I don't know why
Sometimes I just want to hurt you
show me that you can cry
Sometimes I want to hold you
and never let you go
Sometimes I want to confide in you
but you will never know
Sometimes I wish we'd never met
And I'd give anything to turn back time
and forget.

Post 228

Tonight I dreamed I danced with you
I held you by my side
Tonight I shed a tear for you
Oh the tears I've cried
Tonight I said a prayer for you
I prayed that they had lied
Tonight I swayed in time with you
How I held you in my mind
Tonight I said goodbye to you
Because I know tonight you died.

It's raining today but I only see sunlight
I stand on the ground but feel like I'm in midflight
I smile at the world even though the world is crying
Right now I could live forever, though I'm not afraid of dying.
Everything that scared me, everything I feared
...Has no control over me ever since you appeared.

Last night I thanked the world.

Last night I watched you fall asleep.
Last night I saw your tears.
Last night I held you in my arms
And tried to save you from your fears
Last night I cried, I wept for you
...Cried pure tears of joy
Wondering what I could have done
To win the heart of such a boy
Last night while you were sleeping
I kissed you on the cheek
I professed my love for you
Though I didn't speak
Last night as I fell asleep
I wondered how can this be true
Last night seemed like such a dream.

Last night I thanked the world for you.

IF

If I tried to kiss you would you cringe,
If I tried to love you would you cry.

If I held your hand would you shake it,
If I gave you my heart would you break it.

If I sang to you, would you close your eyes,
If I wanted the truth, would you tell me lies.

If you left me, would you say goodbye?
If I couldn't live without you would you die.

In my mind I am flying, and it's beautiful.
In my dreams I am dancing with you.
It's all too perfect, can it really be true.
My heart skips a beat, it's racing ahead.
My mind falls behind and needs to be led.
...And there's magic and music and mystery around
In it I am mezmerized, lost in it's sound
And I don't want to be found.

Once.

Once the world was wonderful.
Once the sky was blue
Everything was magical
All while I had you.
Once I held your hand
Once I saw you smile
Everything was beautiful
If only for a short while
Once I would have sang for you
Once I would have loved you
But I've destroyed everything
And I am nothing without you.

Do you see what I see?

When I look at you I see everything.
The Earth, the trees, the birds in the skies.
The oceans and valleys,
I see the world through your eyes.
I see rainbows we can dance upon.
with you in my eyes, I could never go wrong.
Your world is beautiful, even if you don't see.
I see all this, ...can you even see me?

Through mine eyes

I'd like to paint the world, and everything and everyone, but I know it can't be done.
I put brush to canvas and portray only what I see, but can't quite show the beauty.
If you could see the world through me eyes, you'd smile and cry at the same time.
These things I see, I try to, but just can't quite define.
I wish I could show you, I wi...sh you could see.
But that will never happen, because you can't be me.

The Guardian

there was once someone watching over me
protecting me at all times
though I never saw them
I felt their presence just fine.
Now I stand alone. No one catches me when I fall
I do not need some one to hold me, I dont need anyone at all
But I wonder where my angel went, I wonder why he came.
I would give my life to thank him
But I don't even know his name.

Rain

I remember rain falling on my window pane and the beautiful sound it makes
the light reflecting off the rain drops, The scorching heat it breaks
The sky going dark, the flash of the lightning
The sound of the thunder, so loud it's frightening.
The Smell of the earth after the rain has washed it clean
...Rainbows in the sky, what a sight to be seen.
I love it when it rains.See More

twisted every way

Theres a song in my head and i can't go where its led me to.
It sings of you and me and of our destiny
but I can't see myself with you.
but Theres a voice in the dark, how it sings to my heart
and pulls me away from you.
...How it sadens me to say, that I miss it everyday,
and no matter what I do, it will never come from you.
And how can I tell you, nkowing that it will kill you,
But I can't stay with you cause I do not love you.
I don't know what to do.

Why is the world so cruel?
Why do some go hungry when others throw food away?
Why are we judged by what we look like and not by who we are?
I look for a world where no one is homeless by force.
I look for a world where everyone has someone to mourn them.
...I hope for the best, but fear for the worst.
Only the future will tell.
Please don't let it make me cry.

I could tell you a story, a story so heart wrenching and phantomesque that you'd never believe it, even though it's true.
Oh the things I could tell you. I could show you the world in a heart beat.
I could horrorfiy and terrorise you and make you think a new
I could lift you up and let you fall and still you'd sing for me.
But no matter ...what I say, you'd never believe me.

a poem

If I was forced to hold the universe, would you hold it with me?
Or would you walk away, leaving me alone?
Would you kiss me goodbye or laugh in my face?
...Would you save me or leave me to my fate?
And once you were gone, if you were gone
Though I cannot bare to believe it.
Would I cry for you, and would you feel it?

incomplete

When the night comes do you embrace it?
Do you feel the appeal of the darkness?
Or do you stand in the light, afraid of what it might
Conceal?
Do you lie in your bed with the covers on your head scared of what the darkness holds?
Or do you run through the night, with not a fear in sight, ready to devour it whole?
Or are you one of the quiet few, who love and fear it as I do?
Afraid of what it hides, yet drawn in by its abcent eyes.

A poem

The winds of hell so violent now, how they swarm around me.
The noise so loud and deffening totally confounds me.
I'd cry for help, but do I want someone to save me.
The mind so stripped, sanity escapes me.
Rain falls now, it hides the tears, a...s the wind it holds me tight.
I try to run, do I want to run? Should I give up the fight?
Swaying now, So dangerously as the wind tries to engulf me.
I can hear the music of the wind, now that it controls me.

Can you hear it too?

Fate; one letter off Hate

Sometimes I feel that fate leads me to the places I need to go.

Something pops into my head and then there it is before me. However, you should never start a sectence with however, however if fate is leading me, did it intend for me to suffer so along the way. I know that with great suffering comes great appreciation, and now I appreciate everything, but I would have been just as appreciative learning from the tragedy of others. Fate led me in a massive circle round London in the last two weeks ending not ten paces from where I began, and strangly mixed my two most oldest loves together. The theatre and Sherlock holmes.

As a child I longed for both, books and theatre, sadly my parents wouldn't waste money on either. Now here I find myself in the city I almost didn't want to come to surrounded by all these things. I could lose myself here; my mind and my soul. It's a good thing I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow.

What will Paris bring I wonder? Hopefully it will not tear me appart as London has done. Don't get me wrong, I absolutly loved it, but were I to stay longer it would kill me one way or another.

Love Never Dies - a Critique

WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS

Viewed at the Adelphi Theatre, London, 14/7/10

The problem with any sequel is how to live up to the expectations set by the first. The first in this case being, 'The Phantom of the Opera', which will hereafter be referred to as 'Phantom' and 'Love Never dies' as 'LND'. 'Phantom' was such a phenomenal success that there really was no way to live up to it, Webber adapted the story of 'Phantom' to make a fantastical musical with music so moving it will stand the test of time. 'LND' he wrote himself, I've no doubt that he is a brilliant composer and writes brilliant musicals, but sadly 'LND' was not quite right.

'LND' also had phenomenal music to equal that of 'Phantom', not as dark though, and in some places it really should have been, but the music is still in my head and no doubt will be forever. It truly is that powerful and the actors did a marvellous job of performing it, so there is no questioning its brilliance. There was a slight revival of the music for the song Prima Donna, from 'Phantom', the latter appearance of it in 'Phantom' not the over the top singing appearance. The soft and sweet one as sung by Christine in the chapel on the night of the fire. Just enough to tie the two musicals together, not over the top at all.

The main problem I found with the musical was that the characters were not accurate representations of who they were in part one, I know 10 years had past, but the back-story was wrong.

The back-story goes that, on the night before she was wed Christine hunted down the phantom for an act of infidelity. This does not fit because in 'Phantom', she was not in love with him, she was mesmerised by him, but she was in love with Raoul. It was made clear that she bared no love for the phantom, only pity and compassion. Yet here we find she not only slept with the Phantom, but would also have stayed with him had he not run off before the dawn. I didn't quite understand why he ran of before the dawn, he stated that he was ashamed, of what I do not know, I was sitting in the gods so could not quite interpret that portion of the song.

Ten years later we find the Phantom in Coney Island, America. A very tacky setting for any musical, but I was willing to overlook that and hope for greatness all the same. The American accent has always bothered me, hearing them sing in that tone; American drawl I call it, I find it excruciating, but it was a fitting set for a freak to hide among other freaks (I do not feel the Phantom or any of the others were freaks, it's how they described themselves in 'LND'. I do not mean to offend any Americans, but knowing I have, I apologise and move on.

The set; the smoke with horses in it was superb, and mystifying. The screen I loathed, a little of it would not have been so bad, but it was relied upon too much and made it feel as if I were in a cinema and not a theatre. Also anyone wearing black, which included a lot of the main characters, had the projection, which was meant for the screen appear on them. It made them appear almost ghost like, in some places this might have been the point, but in others it did not look right and took ones focus away from the telling of the story. The revolving stage was genius, I've seen these used before and they always go down a treat. It best portrayed the backstage/stage area of Christine's main musical number. I do not believe there was a better way of doing that. Minimal props were used, this seemed rather odd to me, I am not saying clutter the stage, but the best way to show who someone is, is by the things they surround themselves with. Show, don't tell as it were, and there was a lot of telling in it. The moving hair and mouths on one of the props in the Phantoms room was brilliant, I had to look twice thinking I must have imagined it the first time.

Costume. The Phantom as always in his theatrical attire, I could imagine him in nothing else, but thought it rather odd for the weather of Coney Island. Americans were, at the time wearing similar clothes, but in lighter shades. The costumes worn briefly by Meg in the beach scene were spectacular, it wasn't till the third or forth change that I realized how it was done. Brilliant. Shame I couldn't stand the American accent, but I'm sure others wont have that issue. Christines dress in her major performance was absolutely stunning, it reflected so well that it glimmered around the entire audience; yes the glimmer even blinded those seated in the gods. Gustave, Christines son, wore the same outfit the entire time. At one point he took his jacket off and remained without it for the remainder of the musical. Madame Giry's outfit looked as dismal as it did in 'Phantom', but this felt rather apt for her. Raoul wore a white suit for all but his final scene, which was set at the opera so naturally he would switch to black. No problems there.

The story. A lot of the time is spent unfolding the back story, it is rather obvious that Gustav is the Phantoms son. This I find tacky. It is a tale that has been done to death. From, 'The Count of Monte Cristo', to 'Starwars'. It seems to be older than a dead metaphor now.
The Phantom we see much more of this time, part of the magic is in the mystery I'm afraid, and that is lost by revealing too much of him. His homicidal tendencies seem to have been completely forgotten by everyone. And in the end we find him as the voice of reason trying to talk Meg out of killing herself. It is out of character.
Raoul's character has been dragged through the mud, he is now a penniless gambler that shows little to no affection for Christine and what he thinks is his son. I am aware that people change over time, but both Raoul and Christine seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. It just doesn't seem accurate. It feels as if the Phantom wrote the musical and he is telling you what he would have liked to have happen, because it just doesn't feel like an accurate portrayal.
Given the back story Christines initial reaction to the Phantoms appearance make sense, although we are not aware of the back story at that point so it seems wrong, but then again, so does the back story.
Raoul and the Phantom make a bet as to whom will get Christine, she is never told of this bet, and never actually gets to chose either as she dies in the final scene. So it all seems rather pointless. It is also quite sad.
The character of Madame Giry has had a full role reversal. In 'Phantom', she instigated the goings on of the Phantom and Christine, she was the only one who could have stoped it and yet she watched and did nothing. My original assumption of her logic was this, better he go after Christine than my daughter Meg. However 'LND' shows her and Meg smuggling the Phantom out of Paris and supporting him in his new rise to stardom. Giry seems eager to have the two join, as does Meg, but that is similar to Meg in 'Phantom', so we wont go into it, suffice to say that Meg's character was the only one that ran true. How can Madame Giry be so opposed to something in 'Phantom', and yet so willing for it in ‘LND’? I just don't understand.


Do not misunderstand me, I did enjoy the musical, I just don't believe it should have been a sequel. Give the characters new names and let it stand alone, it has enough back story in it to do so. Sadly as a sequel it was missing. Missing the heart, the passion and soul of what it could have been.

Edit: The Phantom sang it best at the end of the original, 'It's over now, the music of the night'. If only Andrew Loyd Webber had listened.

the list

kalani
allirra
grzpil
dachimpy
jellyfish
kraggard
bocara
seinfeld
mercif
icarus


zapatical
beasty
fordenis
jet
scabard
katej
musketeer

and me

first off, toilet floor filthy, no toilet paper. showers walls black with greese, leaves in the bed, sheets so dirty theyve stained. instant grope, cryed on plane. I know understand why people commit suicide, for years I thought it was cause they thought no one else cared, its not that, its an easy out when the world is crushing you. I dont know how I'm going to do this. I must start with a list, and fixing my car.

So lost right now

What MICF means to me

To me The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is a life affirming experience. I come down here every year with hopes and fears and expectations and I walk away knowing that everything is just perfect.

I learn that it doesn't matter what you want to happen, what shows you see, how many shows you see, who you shag, who you don't shag, who gets the barry, who gets passed over, who gets the worst review, who gets cancelled halfway through, it doesn't matter how your show goes, it doesn't even matter if you make a complete arse of yourself. None of that really matters to me.

What matters is the experience. Seeing friends you haven't seen in years, making new friends you'll keep for a lifetime, watching them do something they love, them watching me do something I love, smoking in the peter cook, dancing without a thought for who might be watching you and saying you suck at it, making memories that may well last a life time, and for me, finding that sense of freedom to do what I want without fear of reproach, feeling free.

Everytime I come here I learn what it is to be me, I may be nothing special, but it feels great to be me. Every year I go away and forget who I am, so I have to come back, and every year I wonder do I really want to go back to melbourne and my producer tells me I must, so I do it begrudgingly and everytime it's the most wonderful experience in the world. I have seen some of the wierdest things down here, some of the most amazing things and some of those things I've been a part of. The friends I have made here I wont see or talk to for a year or two, but I know that when I see them again, after all that time, it will be just like only a day has passed. It's as if time has stood still, like the festival does go on forever, we just have little in between stuff we refer to as lives.

When I first came to MICF in 2002, it never went long enough, I wanted it to go on forever, over the years that feeling has wained, the festival is just the right length, by the end we all need sleep and our livers need rebuilding. And when you come back, it's like you've never left, everyone remembers you, everyone loves you for who you are. And it's also long enough for me to learn what it is I need to learn.

Which is; to be happy, to be free, to be me.

A year missing.

Was talking to mick on the balcony at some point last night, we were trying to work out what year something happened, I thought it was last year, mick thought it was the year before. Mick was right of course, he had to be, because on closer inspection of my memory I have discovered that I have no memory of last years comfest, I blocked it out.
I think I subconciously did it to protect myself. Comfest is a magical place, where time almost stands still, the rest of the world doesn't exist while its on, well thats how it feels anyway. Last year someone very dear to me died during festival, and I think some of the magic that surrounds this place died with her. I remember the night she died but nothing else of the festival, but I wonder if my mind is trying to protect me, why leave me the memory of that night, why leave me with the pain and wipe out all the good stuff. Why do I only ever remember the bad things?

Irony

bought new shoes on fridAY, friend said, strap your feet up to save them injury. did that. pulled off the strapping yesterday. feet are bruised from strapping and are slightly purple. fucking figures, next time, no adversions. hurts to walk. want to overcome this before festival end. question: will ask on facebook not enough people to judge me wrong here.

UPDATE FROM FB

I realized this morning, I'm starting to care about other peoples opnions again, this sucks, it takes away the freedom I once had to do what ever the fuck I wanted. And worse, if this continues I may have to give up drinking in order to stop doing stupid things. I'll probably still do them anyway though.
Sorted things out with my phil, he's going to stay in QLd

Saw Fiona O'loughlin's show tonight, I don't think she could impress me anymore than she did tonight, it was absolutly, fantastically awesome. The lady is a legend, I would say go see her, but it was her last show this festival, so for those who didn't see, you poor, poor fools. You'll never know what a legend she is.
News Today: Drunk priest punches mourner at funeral.... fuck love this world
Saw the debate, chatted with fiona after, she really is brilliant, chatted with milly too, shes very nice. hung in the pc for ages, at one point lost blood flow to arms cause of shirt, went to hifi, stayed to lights up. Good night.
Rocked out to Frank sinatra's 'have yourself a merry little christmas' at the hifi. And apparently it's considered sad that i know the gummi bears theme song WORD FOR WORD! mI'm proud anyway :P
mmmmmEAT!!!
News Today: 'Children find body on Easter egg hunt'... Let me guess, body of christ?
I think my stomach is about to explode, the dairy at the end was possibly too much, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world, I can't remember the last time I ate soo much or so well. I wont need to eat for a month.
saw elbowskin, got drunk in bar. I miss my phil. Good night, I really need sleep.
didnt think I drank that much last night, but th9is morning's hangover says otherwise. Maybe it was the money drink that fucked me. Either way, can't really remember much of last night, so my appoligies to anyone I may have offended or bored to death.
news today: Two women have been arrested at a British airport after they reportedly put their dead relative in a wheelchair, stuck some sunglasses on him and tried to smuggle his corpse onto a flight.... Where were they going?
hey, I'm still Alive, and I actually ate a half decent meal today. Today was my trades day, saw damian clark and geraldine quinn, both outstandingly brilliant shows, I highly recommend them. Then to PC to meet Anne narrowly avoiding cameras, thank fuck. kicked out at close, hified till about 2
News today: One of Europe's biggest discount airlines, Ryanair, will charge passengers to use on-board toilets.... As if the airlines wern't ripping us off enough, prices are so high these days you'd shit yourself, and now your gonna have to unless you want to pay more.
4 more shows, Kelly Wilkinson is Immortal, 7pm thursdays and fridays. Bond lounge on bond st, runs off flinders lane near queen st. Do come watch me make an ass of myself.
Spose I should go fucking flyering, I hate forcing myself upon random strangers in the street, few things are beneath me, but I feel this is one of those things.
is sooo fucked right now... and I didn't drink that much, fuck I'm getting old. Saw myself, I look okay, saw Nik Coppin, show was fucking awsome, though the venue was somewhat creepy, went to pc, didn't need to go to hifi, but went. watched the comics then bed for me, big night tomorrow, with the spandex show, I gotta ...be wide awake for that one... why am I so fucked???
all I can say is SHINEY SHOES
news today: A seven-year-old Russian boy who was adopted by an American woman has been sent home on his own with a note saying he was no longer wanted... thank god I wasn't adopted, cause I know my parents have been trempted.
went to my show last night, then pc then Hifi, Gerry is brilliant, it was like old scardies days of superband, wondering wtf happened to adam. Got quite drunk, not hungover yet, must still be drunk, hung out with the PC boys and got home before dawn.
News Today: A bumbling bandit who raided a Melbourne seven-eleven got more than he bargained for.The attendant locked the assailant inside the store whilst on the phone to the police.... next time load the gun fucker and you'll be able to shoot through the glass doors.
okay, went to the gnw's they were good, but considering last night, fucking tiring. went to what the dickens for dinner. PC'd it, went to hifi, saw all but the last two acts, the bar got noisey and they wouldn't let us down stairs, shame, I'd like to have heard phil nichol's set and the guy before him seemed good, but ...witrhout sound I'm stuffed. got home bout 5am, good night!
I am going to sleep now. the boyfirend is driving me nuts, how can he miss me soo much, if its like this now, whats edinbrough going to be like, too much commitment, its not right... Sleep will help I cant think now.
eating something that resembles meat, but it came from a can so who knows. I wish I could sleep with my eyes wide open, that way I wouldn't see what I see when I close them.
News Today: Dead family seemed happy, say relatives... What does a happy dead family look like?
just got skype. add me if you like I'm listed as kelly.leigh.wilkinson

Friday - Monday

Saw jon richardson and big love, have to say phil nichol's juice pigs was fucking fantastic, glad to witness such a fantastic performance. I realized this morning, I'm starting to care about other peoples opnions again, this sucks, it takes away the freedom I once had to do what ever the fuck I wanted. And worse, if this continues I may have to give up drinking in order to stop doing stupid things. I'll probably still do them anyway though. Sorted things out with my phil, he's going to stay in QLd. Saw Fiona O'loughlin's show tonight, I don't think she could impress me anymore than she did tonight, it was absolutly, fantastically awesome. The lady is a legend, I would say go see her, but it was her last show this festival, so for those who didn't see, you poor, poor fools. You'll never know what a legend she is. News Today: Drunk priest punches mourner at funeral.... fuck love this world. Saw the debate, chatted with fiona after, she really is brilliant, chatted with milly too, shes very nice. hung in the pc for ages, at one point lost blood flow to arms cause of shirt, went to hifi, stayed to lights up. Good night. Rocked out to Frank sinatra's 'have yourself a merry little christmas' at the hifi. And apparently it's considered sad that i know the gummi bears theme song WORD FOR WORD! mI'm proud anyway :P News Today: 'Children find body on Easter egg hunt'... Let me guess, body of christ? I think my stomach is about to explode, the dairy at the end was possibly too much, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world, I can't remember the last time I ate soo much or so well. I wont need to eat for a month. Jess shouted us to dinner, it was amazing.

update

thursday

Did my show, good crowd, saw tripod v the dragon. Not bad at all. then silent disco in hifi

Friday

cancelled my show, no crowd, saw jon richardson; interesting fellow, then to big love, which was fucking brilliant, loved the juice pigs. Silent disco in hifi, meh

Wensday

Saw russel kane and mikey mielos

Tuesday

Saw Phil Nichol, and Rob Hunter

Fucking babies... no, not like that.

This has to be said people, BABIES ARE NOT CUTE, they are ugly, I can tolerate baby pictures in small doses, but fucking ultrasound pictures!!! They are ugly enough when they come out, I don't want to see them squished up inside your guts. FUCKING THINK OF ME, I do. whats next people a photo of the sperm fertilizing the egg? I draw the fucking line if its not breathing, I don't want to see it...
unless its a murder victim, that'd be cool.

sunday

saw daniel townes show

last night at festival

6 hours sleep in two days is not a good thing, there is something truely wrong with the world if I can't sleep in. Its a travesty of uncomparable proportions, and whats worse, I can't even sleep off my hangover. Yesterday was good, saw sammy J and randy, and saw dead cat bounce, bothe brilliant, see dead cat bounce early, before they start selling out. So far this festival I'm averging a kiss on the cheek a night, facial cheek you sick fucks, I 'm gonna be dieseased as hell by the end of festival if this keeps up. Got kicked out of the hifi at five am, too soon. I still don't like silent disco, how do you know if its worth dancing to if you cant hear it from the top bar. Talked to someone last night I would never have seen myself talk to, I think I did it just cause I know she loathes me, we were surrounded and she had to be polite, but I could see the hatred, hehehehehehehehe... hehehe. I know, I'M FUCKING NASTY! and yes I know both does not have an E on the end, learn to overlook unimportant shit.

Sinking clock

I sit here upon the airconditioner at 2:30am, smoking out the window. I look out into the heart of melbourne. Just a week ago I could see to the horizon in every direction, now I can't even see one block. One extreme to the next. From a town where everyone knows my name to a city where I will perform to a bunch of strangers I may never see again... I feel lost in my surroundings and yet I used to know them so well, Melbourne was the home I would never truely call home and yet now, being here, I feel so distant and long for the openness of the countryside. I don't want to be famous, I never did, I just want to make people laugh, originally it was because I couldn't laugh myself, now it's something I can share, and hey, it beats therapy. Still I find I don't quite belong anymore, I don't belong in the country, I don't belong in the city, where do I fit in, or am I not meant to fit anywhere.
Thoughts of the show haunt me, I'd just like to get it right, and I am trying, I just can't get it into my thick head. Lost in a sea of second hands that rotate anticlockwise and sink when I touch them. Oh to be young and stupid once more, perhaps I should have become the lawyer my parents wanted me to be, but then again, in a world like that, I'd more than likely top myself.

Insignificant

I looked around the other day and what a scene I beheld. I can see the horizon flat as in every direction. To my right a storm was raging somewhere in the distance, I could even see the lightning. To my left the sun was poking through big puffy white clouds shooting rays of gold down upon the land. The road was so reflected that it looked like a mirror or even a water bed, and the crops around me sparkled in the sun's light.
I thought to myself as I beheld such beautiful wonders, with all these beautiful things if there is a god, why on earth would he bother making me?