I Hate Goodbyes

How do you say goodbye to something you never had? Why is it, when your sad the radio only ever plays sad songs? I hate you; I've always hated you. I don't care, yes I do, why do I care? I wish I didn't care, why does it matter? I want to fly but you've clipped my wings, how do you release something that you hold so dear? My hands smell like peanut butter sandwiches, I haven't eaten peanut butter sandwiches, it's funny how things are never what they seem, people are hard to understand, you can spend your whole life with them and still know nothing about them. You don't know me, no one knows me, it's safer that way, and you can't miss what you've never known. Why do I know you, why do I feel for you, why did I take the time to care, why did I allow us to ever meet, I could have stopped it, I saw you before you saw me and, being the fool that I am, I could not foresee what was to come. If only we weren't defined by the choices we make. Why is it I can save others, but I cannot save myself? I've not seen the sea since May, I miss the sea, I could give myself to the sea if I wasn't so afraid of water, but I stay away, with the sea comes so many memories, memories that I cannot bare. How do you escape from yourself, is it even possible? Where did it all go wrong, I am nothing but a mere shadow of my former self, why can't I accept what I know to be true? I am a coward, I run and I hide, I criticize others for refusing to do that which I would not do myself, I'm drowning in self-pity and my only escape is insanity. I hate everything about you, I hate it when you look at me, I hate it when you look right through me, I hate it when you smile at me, I really wish you wouldn't. I hate the secrets we must keep, I hate the clothes you wear, I hate the things you say, I hate that I know you, I hate it when you laugh and I hate it when you cry. I hate it when you make me cry, I hate the way you make me feel, but most of all, I hate that I can't hate you. I've tried, oh how I've tried, but it always ends in tears. I know you're moving on, as should I, but it is so very hard. I'm sure one day I'll forget you, just as I have forgotten everything else, but I'll always hate goodbyes.