The Challenges

Just a note to say I am working on them, but I like to research things that are based on actual events so gimme a little time please.


Now for something different

I wrote this a long time ago, it probably wont make much sense, it revolves around Australia's comedians. It was a challenge issued to me by a magazine, whether they used it or not I have no idea.


THE DRIPS THAT MIME FORGOT

He lay on the sandy bank, the waves washing gently upon his feet; the sun shone heavily on his half naked body. He rose to his feet, his pants, though ripped and worn, were still in tact, his shirt had been ruptured from his chest during the storm. He was of average height, nonetheless still considered short by his shipmates; his hair was of a black charcoal colour (I am aware that both black and charcoal are not colours) with brown roots starting to break through. Paul rose to his feet and took in the surroundings. He appeared to be on an island somewhere in the south pacific, the remnants of his ship were scattered all along the shoreline, but the crew were nowhere in sight. His head was throbbing from a protuberance upon his brow; a painful reminder of the previous night and slowly the memory of last night came flooding back…

Their ship, The Thesba, floated patiently upon the blanket of ocean that was the south pacific, a storm could be seen on the horizon, but could be easily avoided. The crew were a motley bunch of sailors that knew fuck all about sailing, but the temptation of buried treasure, significantly outweighed their sailing ability. The Captain, Cap'n Robins, a jolly man of vast proportions, had assembled them. The first mate was a cocky, mischievous devil by the name of Ferguson; he loved alcohol, women, and practical jokes. The navigator was a man by the name of Fidler, which might explain why they were hopelessly lost; he was a nice caring soul with an addiction for expensive comic books. The sailors consisted of six men, Flacco, Sandy, Mark (bob for fun), Psycho Bob, Wil, and Rove. Paul was the cabin boy.
Flacco was asleep in the crows-nest, Paul was busy scrubbing the deck, while most of the crew hung below, sleeping off a hangover of rum and tequila. The Captain sat in the cabin having a heated argument with First Mate Ferguson, snippets of the conversation wafted into Paul's inquisitive ears. "What do you mean we're lost, you're the captain, find us!" the captain, slightly quieter replied, "…Not that simple mate…Fidler's fault…cant go on…have to…kill him" "About bloody time." Paul listened on in horror, they were plotting to kill Fidler, Paul continued scrubbing, but planned to warn Fidler of the terrible scheme the Cap'n and First Mate were concocting. Paul snuck into the navigator's quarters, Fidler lay on the floor, next to his bed (no he's not dead, just drunk), Paul shook him till he woke, "Rich, wake up, wake up… WAKE UP YOU DUM FUCK, THEIR GONNA KILL YA" Rich woke with a start, "what, what the fuck have you been smoking?" Paul dragged Rich to the bed, "the Cap'n and first mate are planning to kill you, you've got us lost you wanker" "calm down, Paulie, you must have heard wrong" "Flacco was there, in the crows-nest, go ask him" Rich rose from his bed and walked to the door, before turning to Paul "are you coming or not?" Paul stood and followed Rich to the deck, Slowly they climbed the netting that led to the crows-nest, Paul was the first to reach the top, he'd always been good at climbing, the crew had taken to calling him monkey boy, Paul climbed into the crows-nest to find a sleeping Flacco, "oh, for fucks sake" then down to Rich "the fuckwit's asleep, he wouldn't have heard shit" Paul slid down the mizzen mast to join Rich, who had returned to the deck. Unseen by Paul and Rich, the Cap'n and Tim had silently emerged from the captain's cabin and Tim was quietly aiming a knife at Richard's back. KER-THWACK, Paul and Rich froze as a knife soared past them and planted itself in the mizzen mast, after the initial shock they turned around to face their adversaries. Cap'n Robins and Tim glared evilly at Paul and Rich, Tim walked closer to Paul "it's not too late to change sides little buddy, you know you belong behind me… I mean beside me," Tim said with a seductive smile. Paul thought for a minute, it had been nice snuggling up to Tim on those cold nights, no, this was murder, although he would miss it dearly, he had to do what was right, "Get fucked Ferguson" and then Paul spat in Tim's face. Up above, Flacco had come to and had been watching the events fold out below with trepidation. He stood up, grabbed the anvil that was sitting beside him (I don't know why there was an anvil sitting beside him, so don't ask) and dropped it off the side of the crows-nest. A sound could be heard overhead, but no one dared take their eyes off their opponents, they stood their ground trying to anticipate the others next move; it wasn't what they expected. SPLAT, an anvil landed smack dab on Richard's head killing him instantly, the Cap'n let out a sinister laugh, "hahahaaaaaaa" Tim stared blankly at Rich for a second before replying "its just what he would of wanted, straight out of the comic books." Paul, although quite mad, turned tail and ran below to get help. Flacco stood above laughing his head off "Now that's comedy" BIFF-CRACK, a lightning bolt hit Flacco, electrocuting him where he stood (I'll bet that hurt), the storm was upon them. Paul ran into the cabins, tripped on something and fell hard against the floor, Psycho Bob retracted his leg from the path Paul had just taken and positioned himself on the floor beside Paul, "Stay down soldier, the enemy is everywhere, listen…" Paul looked at him with uncertainty, "I hear nothing." Bob hit Paul across the back of the head, "Shut up soldier, your talking could have killed us both, Charlie is out there" he produced a knife and held it to Paul's throat whilst saying "he'll come up behind you, pretend to be your friend, and then, when you least expect it, RIP, he's disembowelled you via the throat" Paul momentarily shocked by the knife, regained himself and kicked bob in the groin (ouch), bob naturally released his grip on Paul, Paul seized the moment and ran to the next cabin. Up on deck the Captain had forgotten his blood lust and was at the helm, trying desperately to regain control of his ship, the storm was tossing the little ship around the sea, as if it were a feather. Tim had followed Paul to the cabins, stopping only to look in the mirror (half an hour later), Tim entered the crews cabin only to be knocked to his knees by a man wearing camouflage, "get down soldier, the enemy is out there" Tim, slightly stunned replied, "enemy?" "That's right soldier, the enemy is ruthless, cunning, nauseating and short" Tim suddenly realized whom Bob was referring to, "Paul…Where did he go" "not so fast soldier, we're in the middle of a war" Bob pointed the gun at Tim and fired. Paul ran to Wil, "mate you gotta help me, it's the Cap'n and Tim, they're trying to kill me" Wil thought for a moment, "I'd love to help ya Paulie, but you chose Tim for a bed buddy and not me, I'm still a little offended by that, sorry" Paul couldn't believe it, he was on a ship full of mental patients, he hit Wil on the head with his musket and left the cabin. Bob glanced down at his gun, it had backfired leaving an empty hole in Bobs stomach, Bob lifted his head, stared at Tim and said "I'm Bob, Do you want fries with that?" then fell down dead (what, you were expecting "I'll be back"). Tim stepped over Bob's corpse and exited the cabin. TRA-CRACK, a lightning bolt hit the mast, the sail burst into flames, the Captain saw this and yelled "Shit" the Thesba was on fire and it was going down. The Captain manned the life raft and left the ship faster than…rats abandoning a sinking ship. Paul opened the next door to find the ships clown, Sandy, it looked like he had retrieved Flacco"s body, ripped his legs off and was now stirring Flacco's body in a giant frying pan. "What the fuck are you doing" Sandy, only just noticing Paul, glanced up and smiled, "making scrambled eggs, do you want some?" "I don't think so" Paul said severely freaked, and left the cabin. Tim opened the next door, to discover what looked like a TV studio, with some little guy sitting at a table covered in toys, Rove looked up and saw Tim, Tim, who was quite pissed off by this point said "who the hell are you?" Rove stood up and responded "I'm Rove McManus, Say hi to your mum for me" "Fuck this" Tim said and threw his knife at rove, it hit rove just below the ribcage, Rove looked down mortified and said "What the…" and dropped to the floor dead. MI-CRASH, the fire on deck had taken its toll on the little ship and it had snapped into pieces. What was left of the crew washed into the briny blue. Paul was flung against the hull, normally this would kill a man, but not our little battler, Paul grasped some of the rigging and soared to the safety of the sea. Paul grabbed a piece of ship floating nearby and sprawled himself on top of it, then he heard it, "pixie, pixie" he looked up, Tim was baring down on him, knife already in attack position, Paul sighed "I give up" then from the depths of the ocean Mark rose up, took hold of Tim and dragged him down into the deep blue sea. Paul, too tired to be surprised, curled up and went to sleep.

Paul could not believe he'd lost everything and everyone in one night, though it still didn't explain the massive abrasion on his head. Abruptly, a coconut fell from the tree above, knocking Paul on the head and killing him instantly, then landing on the sand among other coconuts.

THE END